The End of The Year is a Sort of Beginning

It's been over two and a half years since I've written here... and it seems that I just get more paranoid and tired as each day passes. Or maybe I like being this way... I just wish I had a better work ethic.
So who am I? I am like a lot of people, I am lost, and the place I am paradoxically lost in is my own mind. I (probably) have all the capability in the world but my mind is such... such... it's not easy to say or understand.
I let a lot of things detour me and I am a perpetual self saboteur. Have anyone ever heard of Henry Darger? His life is somewhat my fear and somewhat my reality. Maybe I don't think much of myself... yeah, that's probably my issue.

"I remind you of everything black and ugly and wrong!
And I will make you look at me!
You will see me!"

The above was written by me... or some version of it. I won't regret publishing this because I'm tired of hiding... behind someone.

August 20, 2007

Long time no write in here. I know, I'm awful but fuck it!
That's right world! Read my stupidity! I got to change! I want to change my ways! There are too many thoughts of mine that are just bad! It would be nice, you know, to just feel like a whole and complete person as opposed to a fractured, little spec!

May 17, 2007

I'm lying in bed, recovering from detoxing. What's the most embarrassing thing is that it's not from drugs but from junk food (granted, that is drugs, to me at least).

My lip is bleeding and I'm a
migraine pile of
all the waste food
I've consumed.
I'm tired and I
don't want to be
tired
anymore.

So
help me
won't you
help me
get over
it?

Can't wait
till the
medicine
kicks in-

Too late

May 14, 2007

So, it is after Mother's Day and I've managed to have a realization. Yeah, I know, everyone says that and then goes back to whatever they were doing before. But the truth of my matter is that I have to change. I will be assertive. I will go after what I want, long for and dream for. I will realize my fullest potential possible because that's what I'm going to accomplish. And I will let go and simply be. It's all about dymanism.
I think more of myself now.

Just for the record, I have changed the goal to writing here once a week. Certainly more.

May 5, 2007

Is it so impossible that I might make a mistake?! That I might screw up so bad as to warrant being called out on it? Why does this keep happening to me and why must I put up with this bullshit?! Huh? Can you answer me that? Or is it easier to just let me sit here and read more dumb books about my own stupidity? Why must I be the one to fall over and over again? Huh? HUH?!
What the hell am I saying?! No one cares about this shit! My shit! Why should they?! It's not like it warrants as interesting news- a story. Just the stupid meandering ways of a young woman on the run from her own insanity. Or is that my sanity? Who knows- I don't. I just want to be alright and to have all the wonderful, beautiful objects, loves, experiences and oneness I crave for.

Why does that seem so wrong?

May 3, 2007

Alright, it's time to get personal: I am on anti- depressants. There. I said it. I'm on anti- depressants (at least they're not anti- psychotics... yet). Doesn't stop it from being embarrassing and scary. You know, there's a 2% chance that this medicine will just aggravate the problem? Possibly making me suicidal? I can even develop tardive dyskinsia- which are uncontrollable body tremors? So fucked! And I'm not supposed to worry. Nope. I won't worry. I'm too scared and depressed to be worried.

But I have hope. My therapist (whom I actually like) suggested that I write down three achievements a day. Just to get out of this Godawful mind frame I'm in now.
So here goes...

1. I finished the movie Pollock (obviously, about Jackson Pollock) in art class.

2. Able to finally bar power chords (on a guitar) decently.

3. Arranged to talk with my uncle to discuss living with him, my aunt and my two cousins.

Not sure that made me feel better yet. I guess I want more time to decide if this works for me.
By the way, I'm going to start writing here at least three times a week...

And hold me to that.

April 13, 2007- Day of the Goddess

For all in the know (and there are very few in the know), today as Friday the Thirteenth- is a day in tribute to the Goddess. Thirteen being the number of moons in a year and Friday being the day to honor the female aspect/planet Venus, this day is in memorial of Her.

Love your Venus!