Angry List and Poem

What to do when one has become, numb, mad and filled with seething sadistic rage:
- listen to much Kittie and Emilie Autumn
- write odd poetry in your journal
- avoid sleep or sleep too much
- watch the 2009 miniseries Alice
- fantasize about murder
- dream up all the art projects you want to accomplish
- attempt said art projects
- discover interesting mental illnesses
- avoid sharp objects!

Doris' Secret

I have called myself 'shameless' for writing in here and publishing what I have to say- maybe because I feel that one's secrets should be just that: private pieces of information, wisdom and knowledge that remain in the head of whoever thought them up. That makes them less potent... less dangerous and maybe, I just don't like to share. But there is something to be said to letting this get out there and having people I don't know read it. This isn't really my idea but reading Doris (this fabulous zine by Cindy Crabb) made me remember how much fun it can be to tell secrets to people that you've only just met and will never see again. And maybe, it's nice to know that perhaps this could reach someone that needs a prompt to tell their secrets. As I said, they are dangerous, sometimes.

5 o'clock

You know, I've always thought that these moments- when it's 5 am and I haven't slept yet- where I fantasize and run and dream and draw... I always thought they were useless. But I just realised what they've done: without these moments, I wouldn't have discovered those others in me: the Warrior, the Avenging Angel (not just the Cherubic Angel), The Vampire- who will take what she needs, the Visionary Alchemist.
They were discovered in the dark of night- they are born of the Dark.

The Star

It seems as though this blog is entirely self confessional- like I just want some attention. Maybe we live in a society where we say we are 'advocating' for others, when in rally just want some sympathy, or maybe we want to expose all that Shadow-yness in ourselves, so all the light- the good stuff- is what we're really made of. Just a thought for all those who have decided that this decade should be black, but could be light.

2010: The Year of St. Trinian's

I started this year quietly... and it seems that this was a better solution. I wonder if starting the year loudly just sets you up for an opposing year. Like it can only getter louder, messier and more exciting from here on out.

If there was ever an inspiration to every female Warrior (an archetypal pattern), it's the series of drawings and movies - though I've only seen the 2007 version - St. Trinian's. It is my inspiration.

The End of The Year is a Sort of Beginning

It's been over two and a half years since I've written here... and it seems that I just get more paranoid and tired as each day passes. Or maybe I like being this way... I just wish I had a better work ethic.
So who am I? I am like a lot of people, I am lost, and the place I am paradoxically lost in is my own mind. I (probably) have all the capability in the world but my mind is such... such... it's not easy to say or understand.
I let a lot of things detour me and I am a perpetual self saboteur. Have anyone ever heard of Henry Darger? His life is somewhat my fear and somewhat my reality. Maybe I don't think much of myself... yeah, that's probably my issue.

"I remind you of everything black and ugly and wrong!
And I will make you look at me!
You will see me!"

The above was written by me... or some version of it. I won't regret publishing this because I'm tired of hiding... behind someone.

August 20, 2007

Long time no write in here. I know, I'm awful but fuck it!
That's right world! Read my stupidity! I got to change! I want to change my ways! There are too many thoughts of mine that are just bad! It would be nice, you know, to just feel like a whole and complete person as opposed to a fractured, little spec!