Thursday, May 17, 2007

May 17, 2007

I'm lying in bed, recovering from detoxing. What's the most embarrassing thing is that it's not from drugs but from junk food (granted, that is drugs, to me at least).

My lip is bleeding and I'm a
migraine pile of
all the waste food
I've consumed.
I'm tired and I
don't want to be

help me
won't you
help me
get over

Can't wait
till the
kicks in-

Too late

Monday, May 14, 2007

May 14, 2007

So, it is after Mother's Day and I've managed to have a realization. Yeah, I know, everyone says that and then goes back to whatever they were doing before. But the truth of my matter is that I have to change. I will be assertive. I will go after what I want, long for and dream for. I will realize my fullest potential possible because that's what I'm going to accomplish. And I will let go and simply be. It's all about dymanism.
I think more of myself now.

Just for the record, I have changed the goal to writing here once a week. Certainly more.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

May 5, 2007

Is it so impossible that I might make a mistake?! That I might screw up so bad as to warrant being called out on it? Why does this keep happening to me and why must I put up with this bullshit?! Huh? Can you answer me that? Or is it easier to just let me sit here and read more dumb books about my own stupidity? Why must I be the one to fall over and over again? Huh? HUH?!
What the hell am I saying?! No one cares about this shit! My shit! Why should they?! It's not like it warrants as interesting news- a story. Just the stupid meandering ways of a young woman on the run from her own insanity. Or is that my sanity? Who knows- I don't. I just want to be alright and to have all the wonderful, beautiful objects, loves, experiences and oneness I crave for.

Why does that seem so wrong?

Thursday, May 3, 2007

May 3, 2007

Alright, it's time to get personal: I am on anti- depressants. There. I said it. I'm on anti- depressants (at least they're not anti- psychotics... yet). Doesn't stop it from being embarrassing and scary. You know, there's a 2% chance that this medicine will just aggravate the problem? Possibly making me suicidal? I can even develop tardive dyskinsia- which are uncontrollable body tremors? So fucked! And I'm not supposed to worry. Nope. I won't worry. I'm too scared and depressed to be worried.

But I have hope. My therapist (whom I actually like) suggested that I write down three achievements a day. Just to get out of this Godawful mind frame I'm in now.
So here goes...

1. I finished the movie Pollock (obviously, about Jackson Pollock) in art class.

2. Able to finally bar power chords (on a guitar) decently.

3. Arranged to talk with my uncle to discuss living with him, my aunt and my two cousins.

Not sure that made me feel better yet. I guess I want more time to decide if this works for me.
By the way, I'm going to start writing here at least three times a week...

And hold me to that.