Monday, August 20, 2007

August 20, 2007

Long time no write in here. I know, I'm awful but fuck it!
That's right world! Read my stupidity! I got to change! I want to change my ways! There are too many thoughts of mine that are just bad! It would be nice, you know, to just feel like a whole and complete person as opposed to a fractured, little spec!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

May 17, 2007

I'm lying in bed, recovering from detoxing. What's the most embarrassing thing is that it's not from drugs but from junk food (granted, that is drugs, to me at least).

My lip is bleeding and I'm a
migraine pile of
all the waste food
I've consumed.
I'm tired and I
don't want to be

help me
won't you
help me
get over

Can't wait
till the
kicks in-

Too late

Monday, May 14, 2007

May 14, 2007

So, it is after Mother's Day and I've managed to have a realization. Yeah, I know, everyone says that and then goes back to whatever they were doing before. But the truth of my matter is that I have to change. I will be assertive. I will go after what I want, long for and dream for. I will realize my fullest potential possible because that's what I'm going to accomplish. And I will let go and simply be. It's all about dymanism.
I think more of myself now.

Just for the record, I have changed the goal to writing here once a week. Certainly more.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

May 5, 2007

Is it so impossible that I might make a mistake?! That I might screw up so bad as to warrant being called out on it? Why does this keep happening to me and why must I put up with this bullshit?! Huh? Can you answer me that? Or is it easier to just let me sit here and read more dumb books about my own stupidity? Why must I be the one to fall over and over again? Huh? HUH?!
What the hell am I saying?! No one cares about this shit! My shit! Why should they?! It's not like it warrants as interesting news- a story. Just the stupid meandering ways of a young woman on the run from her own insanity. Or is that my sanity? Who knows- I don't. I just want to be alright and to have all the wonderful, beautiful objects, loves, experiences and oneness I crave for.

Why does that seem so wrong?

Thursday, May 3, 2007

May 3, 2007

Alright, it's time to get personal: I am on anti- depressants. There. I said it. I'm on anti- depressants (at least they're not anti- psychotics... yet). Doesn't stop it from being embarrassing and scary. You know, there's a 2% chance that this medicine will just aggravate the problem? Possibly making me suicidal? I can even develop tardive dyskinsia- which are uncontrollable body tremors? So fucked! And I'm not supposed to worry. Nope. I won't worry. I'm too scared and depressed to be worried.

But I have hope. My therapist (whom I actually like) suggested that I write down three achievements a day. Just to get out of this Godawful mind frame I'm in now.
So here goes...

1. I finished the movie Pollock (obviously, about Jackson Pollock) in art class.

2. Able to finally bar power chords (on a guitar) decently.

3. Arranged to talk with my uncle to discuss living with him, my aunt and my two cousins.

Not sure that made me feel better yet. I guess I want more time to decide if this works for me.
By the way, I'm going to start writing here at least three times a week...

And hold me to that.

Friday, April 13, 2007

April 13, 2007- Day of the Goddess

For all in the know (and there are very few in the know), today as Friday the Thirteenth- is a day in tribute to the Goddess. Thirteen being the number of moons in a year and Friday being the day to honor the female aspect/planet Venus, this day is in memorial of Her.

Love your Venus!

Saturday, March 31, 2007

March 31, 2007

Mexican sweet candy skulls-
While wrapped in the reddest of blankets-
Warm and sweet-
The air-
On the night of the Living Dead.

Walk beside the spirit doll-
Obsessive, is her man.

Obsessive to her man-
Bright coloured-
More than her man.

She had no other choice.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

February 26, 2007

The coldness of bones
Hard bones-
See- through bones.
The sight of which
Frightens you...
but then you are addicted.

Maybe I'm a closet anorexic (odd, as I eat a lot) but I'll say this directly... I like the flesh of others... but I only like my bones.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

February 24, 2007

Go where you want, just know where you're going.

The best advice about how to live your life that I've ever gotten (and all from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland).
This is actually kind of like a form of divination (fortune- telling). Though, from my research, this kind of divination, it seems to consist of someone closing their eyes and simply picking a page and then a passage from a book. Mine is about interpreting weird messages, A.K.A.- being a little smart- ass!

By the way, I've found out what's the name for, when a person in the crowd delivers you a message from the gods (an ancient Greek custom): a cledon.
Very cool.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

January 25, 2007

There's only one, selfish reason I want a child... I want to have someone distract me from myself. I want to not think of myself... not be with myself... forget about myself.

I find inspiration in myself but after awhile, I get tired of it.

I wonder if everyone else is tired of it, as well?

I feel the heat on my face of the fire but it just makes me sweat too much. Sometimes, when I'm close enough... It nearly singes my eyelashes.

But I still remain this cold beauty. And yes- I won't lie, I'm aware that on the outside, I am beautiful.

It doesn't bother me. It's not the kind of beauty I want.

It's all heat on the outside. But I feel numb with cold- inside.

Other people notice it too.
"Your hands are so cold!"
It's said with a laugh... like it's some joke I play.

But if you're cold inside... I suppose it seeps out sometime.

Friday, January 12, 2007

January 12, 2007

Anxiety is this awful beast that wiggles its ugly, undulating body around- inside your head then wraps itself around your spinal column. Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I have no idea what I'm doing and that anything worthwhile- I'll screw up! Why do I have to be such a dork and doubt? (Can you not HEAR the exasperation in my throat?)
I've heard, though, that doubt is often a good indicator that we are doing something right- when it's combined with the inexplicable feeling that we have to slog through the whole ordeal. (It's that whole body-takes-over sensation I mentioned ealier.)
Akk! SO doesn't make this easier.

Wait a moment... and we'll see.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

January 9, 2007

You know when your body responds faster than your mind? Well that happened to me today. Logically, what I was about to do was totally sound but my body just started shaking (NO- it was nothing sexual). I knew then it was one seriously BAD idea. Of course, I had that feeling all along.
Follow the feelings- they always are right... for me, at least.

Monday, January 8, 2007

January 8, 2007

It's odd when for no apparent reason, you feel hopeful- like you could do ANYTHING and KNOW you will. It's a lot like receiving a message from a friend that is so insightful and truthful- even though this is the friend most likely to kick you if you fell over.

Actually, a VERY intoxicated friend of mine (NO- I won't say who) wrote the truth about what she thought of me (yes... it was VERY good). It was about the choices I've made about my future (for some reason, people think I'm pretty "gutsy"). Those kind of out-of-the-blue comments are a total synchronicity- Jung's term for when things work out in a way that could be seen as lucky coincidence, but you know better.
The ancient Greeks had a term for this too (wish I remembered what it was).
I'm lucky, it seems as though I get a lot of synchronicities my way.
And for that, I am very thankful.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

January 6, 2007- Epiphany (by the Catholic calendar)

Is it possible that every thought that screams to be real, can? I alway wonder this? Why do some people manage to be amazing at EVERYTHING they try and make all their wishes come true while so many more get lost in the dust that is "ordinary life".
"Ordinary Life": a population of millions who either know better but can't think of any other way or people vey content with it all and finally... those who hate it all but sadly, don't know there can be more.
Maybe to base everything on one feeling or one, small inspired moment is dumb. But to live in my dream is better than most's reality.
Ha... how bloody profound.
Maybe I should look to a career, writing inspirational books... those bastards make a HELL of a lot of cash.

Still want to play in a band. The problem (as I've told a friend) is that EVERYONE that's a musician that I've met is dedicated but so few are willing to just enjoy it. They all worry about a lot of stupid shit. (Not like I don't do it as well!)

Chant for a good day! See what happens!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

January 5, 2007

I wish I was stronger and able to let go of the old. It's like being a beaten dog that still continues to hunt and beg for scraps from the Master's table.
But I suppose that's just a dramatic interpretation. Even a little Emo. Too bad at this point in my life I'm too old to be Emo (18- no longer kind-of-cute and pathetic- just sad). Also, don't have the required wealth, easy life or non-psychotic family to be one.
Hey- I'm NOT Emo- I can actually feel like crap. Ha ha... I'm a dummy.

But to be honest, my life is weird... but I couldn't seriously want a different one.