Thursday, January 25, 2007

January 25, 2007

There's only one, selfish reason I want a child... I want to have someone distract me from myself. I want to not think of myself... not be with myself... forget about myself.

I find inspiration in myself but after awhile, I get tired of it.

I wonder if everyone else is tired of it, as well?

I feel the heat on my face of the fire but it just makes me sweat too much. Sometimes, when I'm close enough... It nearly singes my eyelashes.

But I still remain this cold beauty. And yes- I won't lie, I'm aware that on the outside, I am beautiful.

It doesn't bother me. It's not the kind of beauty I want.

It's all heat on the outside. But I feel numb with cold- inside.

Other people notice it too.
"Your hands are so cold!"
It's said with a laugh... like it's some joke I play.

But if you're cold inside... I suppose it seeps out sometime.

Friday, January 12, 2007

January 12, 2007

Anxiety is this awful beast that wiggles its ugly, undulating body around- inside your head then wraps itself around your spinal column. Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I have no idea what I'm doing and that anything worthwhile- I'll screw up! Why do I have to be such a dork and doubt? (Can you not HEAR the exasperation in my throat?)
I've heard, though, that doubt is often a good indicator that we are doing something right- when it's combined with the inexplicable feeling that we have to slog through the whole ordeal. (It's that whole body-takes-over sensation I mentioned ealier.)
Akk! SO doesn't make this easier.

Wait a moment... and we'll see.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

January 9, 2007

You know when your body responds faster than your mind? Well that happened to me today. Logically, what I was about to do was totally sound but my body just started shaking (NO- it was nothing sexual). I knew then it was one seriously BAD idea. Of course, I had that feeling all along.
Follow the feelings- they always are right... for me, at least.

Monday, January 8, 2007

January 8, 2007

It's odd when for no apparent reason, you feel hopeful- like you could do ANYTHING and KNOW you will. It's a lot like receiving a message from a friend that is so insightful and truthful- even though this is the friend most likely to kick you if you fell over.

Actually, a VERY intoxicated friend of mine (NO- I won't say who) wrote the truth about what she thought of me (yes... it was VERY good). It was about the choices I've made about my future (for some reason, people think I'm pretty "gutsy"). Those kind of out-of-the-blue comments are a total synchronicity- Jung's term for when things work out in a way that could be seen as lucky coincidence, but you know better.
The ancient Greeks had a term for this too (wish I remembered what it was).
I'm lucky, it seems as though I get a lot of synchronicities my way.
And for that, I am very thankful.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

January 6, 2007- Epiphany (by the Catholic calendar)

Is it possible that every thought that screams to be real, can? I alway wonder this? Why do some people manage to be amazing at EVERYTHING they try and make all their wishes come true while so many more get lost in the dust that is "ordinary life".
"Ordinary Life": a population of millions who either know better but can't think of any other way or people vey content with it all and finally... those who hate it all but sadly, don't know there can be more.
Maybe to base everything on one feeling or one, small inspired moment is dumb. But to live in my dream is better than most's reality.
Ha... how bloody profound.
Maybe I should look to a career, writing inspirational books... those bastards make a HELL of a lot of cash.

Still want to play in a band. The problem (as I've told a friend) is that EVERYONE that's a musician that I've met is dedicated but so few are willing to just enjoy it. They all worry about a lot of stupid shit. (Not like I don't do it as well!)

Chant for a good day! See what happens!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

January 5, 2007

I wish I was stronger and able to let go of the old. It's like being a beaten dog that still continues to hunt and beg for scraps from the Master's table.
But I suppose that's just a dramatic interpretation. Even a little Emo. Too bad at this point in my life I'm too old to be Emo (18- no longer kind-of-cute and pathetic- just sad). Also, don't have the required wealth, easy life or non-psychotic family to be one.
Hey- I'm NOT Emo- I can actually feel like crap. Ha ha... I'm a dummy.

But to be honest, my life is weird... but I couldn't seriously want a different one.